Reassurance
by mugglebornpride
Summary: Lily needs to be reassured that even though things aren't all right now, they will be. Se she goes to Potter Manor with a bottle of Whiskey.


Lily Evans slipped out of her house at the stroke of midnight. She was familiar with a liquor store that was open twenty-four hours and determinedly made her way to it. Well, familiar may not be the best word. She vaguely knew of it. It took her half an hour, two wrong turns and enormous self control not to hex those two drunk lummoxes leering at her but she found it.

A little transfiguration work on her sister's stolen ID and she was the proud owner of a card that proclaimed that she, Lily Evans, was twenty-two and qualified to drink. She walked in confidently in her high-heeled boots, fishnet stockings, short skirt and a leather jacket and asked for a bottle of their finest whiskey. Predictably, she was carded. She waited apprehensively as the man behind the counter peered at the ID, then her and back at the ID. Lily was contemplating a Confundus Charm when he shrugged and handed it back to her. From underneath the counter, he retrieved a bottle of whiskey. Lily parted with her month's allowance slightly ruefully and walked out with a fine bottle of booze.

She walked into the alleyway beside the store and stood leaning against the wall for some time. She had heard that alcohol solved problems. Well not exactly solved, more like swept under the rug where they can never ever be seen and Lily never ever wanted to see her problems so she twisted open the bottle of whiskey and took a sip. Where was this acclaimed Gryffindor courage when she needed it. She looked up at the sky. Because of weekly astronomy classes at Hogwarts, Lily was proficient at identifying all the constellations and a few nearby stars. But the streetlights and the smoke swallowed the stars and the sky was plain ink black with a faint crescent moon far, far away.

Today had been a horrible, horrible day. Or yesterday, technically, since it was after twelve.

Petunia and Lily being in the same room had been all it had taken for insults to fly in every direction. Both of them tried being civil to each other, mostly for their father but it almost never worked. This time it was because Petunia tried to 'teach' Lily how to be normal because her fiancé was coming to dinner.

"Just don't talk, alright." she'd hissed. "Because all you can talk about is your freak show and no one wants to know about it."

"Oh, Petunia. Just because your life is boring as hell, don't piss all over mine." Lily had replied. She wasn't going to let Petunia get to her. Not this time.

"If you could just return to your little cocoon of ignorance, I'd be ever so grateful."

"My goal in life is not to earn your gratitude." Lily was incredulous. Had Petunia really just called the wizarding world, her world, a cocoon of ignorance.

Vernon Dursley, Petunia's soon to be husband had come over for dinner and Lily had met him for the first time. The Bloody Baron was more pleasant company than him. He'd been warned of Lily's 'freakishness' and he was extremely vary of her, squinting at her suspiciously throughout dinner and jumping at her smallest movements, like he expected her to twitch her eye and turn them all into toads. When Lily had told Petunia this all she'd said was, 'He's well justified.'

So instead Lily had attacked his oaf-like personality. 'That man is rude and obnoxious and has no respect for our family, Petunia. What are you doing, marrying him?' Okay, so maybe she'd gone a bit too far but it did not excuse Petunia's reply which was something along the lines of just because Lily was an ugly freak and couldn't get a friend or a boyfriend, she shouldn't be insulting Petunia's fiancé. "You know what, I don't even care." Lily had screamed. "I have bigger problems than your whale of a boyfriend trying to incinerate me with his eyes."

"He's my fiancé and he is not a whale." Petunia had shrieked equally loud.

"And I'm your sister. Apparently that doesn't mean a thing."

"No. It really doesn't." she'd said quietly. And things were always dangerous when Petunia got real quiet.

"Petunia, what are you saying?"

Petunia had sighed then. "You're playing a little child's game. You learn little card tricks…" she began.

"I am not living in a fantasy, make-believe world. What you are talking about is my life. And my life and my world are anything but little." Lily was seething. What did Petunia know. What did she know of all the wondrous things Lily had learnt, of how much the world had expanded.

"Oh please. It's not a 'world' for grown-ups Lily. It's just something you're playing at and when you're an adult you'll realize the futility of all of it." Petunia's condescension set Lily off.

"Not for grown-ups?" she spluttered. "There are magical law enforces, there are highly qualified professors at the school I attend, there are curse breakers and healers. There are people who work with dragons. There is a goddamn war brewing and people are dying. You're telling me this isn't a world for grown-ups. You know nothing." and Lily had stomped up to her room and slammed the door as loudly as possible. Which wasn't loud enough so she'd opened the door and slammed it again just for the pleasure of hearing the sound echo through the house.

Lily knew Petunia only said these things to spite her and it wasn't actually true. But she was especially vulnerable and insecure whenever she was home and she'd always been susceptible to Petunia's vapid remarks. She'd believed Petunia when she'd called her adorable and shown her off to her friends in school when they were kids and Lily believed her now when she was calling her an ugly, friendless freak.

Now Lily was drinking in a lonely alleyway trying to convince herself she didn't really need to be reassured right this minute. But who was she kidding, of course she did. She had friends. Maybe she wasn't the most liked girl in Hogwarts, maybe she wasn't the most good looking and maybe she didn't have the best temperament but she was Head Girl, dammit. She had Marlene and Mary. She had the Marauders. There was a bloody war coming and her schoolmates were being brainwashed and recruited to join the wrong forces and a madman was telling her that she had no right to carry a wand. The worst thing was that every time Lily came home, she almost believed it. She almost believed it when Petunia called her a freak and when Severus called her a mudblood. She'd almost believe it when she felt like she didn't quite fit in at Hogwarts. She would never let herself believe it completely, though. Instead she'd remember Sirius telling her she was a natural at charms. She'd remember the time she'd touched that golden baby unicorn and she felt wonder like never before. She'd remember finally being able to cast a fully formed patronus and a graceful silver doe had burst out, she'd remember beating James Potter at Transfiguration that one time. She'd remember all the people who'd changed her life in more ways than one because of her right to carry a wand. Yet, here she was all alone. This convinced her. Lily capped the bottle of Whiskey and put it back into the paper bag. She retrieved her wand and closed her eyes, concentrating. After she had calmed down sufficiently, she turned on the spot.

Lily loved the idea of apparating. It was the quintessential magic trick muggles always looked for. Lily, however, did not like the actual apparating. It made her claustrophobic when she had not been claustrophobic before and it made her feel like she was being stuffed into a long and narrow pipe and being pulled out from the other end. To summarize: not good.

When Lily's lungs were finally able to properly expand again she took a couple of minutes to appreciate their existence. She checked up on the bottle in her hand. Thank Merlin it was still intact.

In front of Lily loomed the huge Bungalow that was Potter Manor. It was like Lily had stepped into a different universe because the sky above Potter Manor consisted of a smattering of stars that looked like pinpricks of light and the moon seemed to be closer too. Even if Lily never knew of the existence of magic, she reckoned she'd have thought there was something magical about Potter Manor. She was sure it had many wards that kept out intruders but only magical intruders, she reasoned. Wizard folk never even thought about protecting the place against muggle methods of intrusion.

Like that time the Marauders were all trying to break into the teacher's lounge for some prank but none of the spells would work. They were contemplating blowing the doors off its hinges when Lily had arrived on the scene. "Step aside, boys." she'd said and proceeded to remove a clip from her hair. She'd picked the lock cleanly in under a minute and the door had swung open quietly. The Marauders had been suitably impressed.

"That was amazing." Peter had said with awe.

"Where did you learn that?" Remus had wanted to know.

"You have to teach me how to do that." Sirius had been eager.

"Why exactly do you know that?" James Potter had asked, slightly apprehensively. Lily had just winked. "A magician never reveals her secrets." she'd said.

The next day, Lily had woken up to the news that the staff room on the second floor had been covered completely in bright pink glitter.

Lily brought herself back to the present with a little shake of her head and scaled the six-foot high compound easily, jumping off on the other side.

Lily stood still, holding her breath for a minute. Nothing. She had been right.

After Lily had congratulated herself on successfully entering the grounds of Potter Manor, she found herself at a bit of a dead end. How on earth was she supposed to alert James to the fact the she was at his doorstep waiting to share a bottle of whiskey with him. She glanced up at the windows. They were all dark. She didn't know if this was good or bad.

Lily vaguely remembered the bloke telling her that he could see the woods and the sunrise from his window. A quick spell told her that the back of the house faced east. Lily made her way around the house, trying not to make too much noise. Which was not easy in those god-forsaken boots. Thankfully there was only one window on the first floor of the east side of the house. Now what, Lily asked herself as she prowled below the window like a creepy stalker, the boots making the pebbles- Pebbles!

She scooped up a handful of them and started tossing them up one by one. The first one hit the wall right below the window. The second one went over. The third one hit the window with a gentle tap. Elated by her success, Lily proceeded to toss two more pebbles in quick succession both of which made satisfactory taps on the glass pane of the window. Lily let loose one more pebble and it sailed up to the window in a graceful arc just as James opened the window and peered out. His bed head hair stuck up in more directions than Lily had known existed. He also slept in the most adorable gold and red jammies. The pebble missed him by a centimeter. He didn't even spare it a glance. He was too busy gaping at Lily. His hand went to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose as if to ensure that they were still there and his faulty vision had not elevated to causing delusions of redheads in short skirts below his window. Still, he gaped. Lily waved at him sheepishly. James leaned out further and Lily thought he would fall off.

"Evans?" he whispered loudly, sticking his head out even more and making Lily genuinely fear for his safety. "What?" he croaked, trying to shake the sleep out of his voice. When Lily only grinned in reply he said, "Wait. I'll be right out." and he disappeared from view, shutting the window after him.

Lily went ahead and made herself comfortable on the six-foot high compound. She felt good. Maybe for the first time ever, she was being gutsy when it actually mattered. Ten minutes later, James Potter emerged. He had unfortunately changed out of his pajamas and into jeans and a jumper.

"You sleep in Gryffindor jammies? Were they autographed by Godric Gryffindor?" she teased. She enjoyed teasing James Potter. It was fun watching him think of a witty comeback or even just squirm. It was fun watching James. Period.

"Oh, Godric Gryffindor wishes I slept in pajamas signed by him." James said cockily. "What're you doing here, Evans?" he asked.

"Before you get mad, I come bearing gifts." Lily said as he approached. She revealed the bottle with a flourish.

James peered at it for a second and then grinned. "My, my Evans. I think you should stop hanging out with us. We are corrupting the head girl." he said with a chuckle. But admiration glinted in his eyes.

"Oh please." Lily scoffed as she watched James climb the compound and settle himself beside her. "I could out-marauder the four of you blindfolded and with one hand tied behind my back." she boasted.

"You can't out-marauder the marauders. That doesn't even make sense." he protested.

"It makes complete sense. You're just lucky I have a vague moral compass or the competition you'd be facing would kill you all."

James chuckled quietly. He turned around and jumped down from the compound. "Come on." he said.

"What? Where?" Lily asked disgruntled. She liked the high compound. James inclined his head towards the woods. "Are you crazy? It's the middle of the night. All the dangerous animals will be out." Lily said worriedly.

James outright laughed this time. "If I can deal with a werewolf, everything else is child's play." he said, ever the humble.

"Yeah well, there's no Sirius here so…" she let the sentence hang.

"Ouch." he said clutching his heart. Lily leaped down too and followed him. If she was going to go into the freaking woods in the middle of the night she would need a little more liquid courage. She unscrewed the cap and took a swig. James glanced back and saw her. He laughed and shook his head but he didn't say anything. Lily was about to ask him but she let it go.

They reached the trees and Lily hesitated a bit. She'd always thought the Sorting Hat had somehow messed up that day. She wasn't brave. Not when it counted and not during the little moments.

"Hey." James said softly from beside her.

"Hey." she replied morosely.

"It's okay. I've been here loads of times. Besides, I've always wanted to show you something here." he said and with that he took her hand and tugged her along. Lily walked forward with stumbling steps mostly aware of the growing darkness and the utter silence except for the crunch of the leaves and twigs below their feet. She thought she heard an owl hoot and a cricket chirp somewhere in the distance but it could have been her imagination. And somewhere in the back of her brain she registered that James was holding her hand and it felt really nice and she really didn't want him to let go. "So can I have a sip or are you going to keep it all to yourself." James asked after some time. Lily grinned and handed him the bottle. She watched as he took a couple of sips and his Adam's apple bobbed up and down and his limbs were way too long and so were his fingers and the joint of his thumb stuck out a little making his hands appear bigger than they were. "I've missed alcohol." James said. "Sirius went through our supply so fast, it's a bit of a blur." he admitted with a chuckle.

"In more ways than one I imagine."

"So tell me Lily Evans, what are you doing here in the middle of the night?" James asked casually. "Half drunk, no less."

"I'm not half drunk. Just a little warm." was Lily's dignified response.

"The bottle is half empty. You can't be just a little warm." James protested and took another sip.

Lily had been taught to hold her liquor by Sirius. The lightweight that he was, he'd given up after two shots. Remus mostly explained theory in slightly slurred speech. So Peter had taken over. Very surprisingly, Peter was the best at holding his liquor among all the marauders. Lily didn't tell him all this, though. She just shrugged.

"So what are you doing here?" he asked curiously.

"You wanted to prove you were a tough guy, walking into the woods at night and all." she explained.

"Okay, first off: I am a tough guy and don't need to prove it to you by walking into the woods at night. I told you I wanted to show you something. Secondly: would you stop derailing my line of questioning."

"I am not." Lily was a tough girl who didn't go crying every time someone said something she didn't like and she wanted to maintain this reputation of her being tough girl. Especially in front of James. So she didn't tell him about the 'friendless freak' and 'little child's game' comment by her lovely sister. Instead she went with simple and truthful, "I wanted to see you is all."

"Fifteen year old me would have lived and died by those words." James admitted with a grin. Lily hated when he said things like that, when he made comments alluding to the fact that he used to have a crush on her. It hit home the truth harder than anything else - that she had missed out and she had messed up.

"What about seventeen year old you?" she asked. Lily swore then and there never to underestimate the power of alcohol in lowering inhibitions. James looked up in surprise and she felt herself go red. She was mentally cursing herself when he said, "Seventeen year old me is very pleased that you are here. With booze, no less."

"You know I still don't know how you boys always manage to supply firewhiskey during the common room parties." Lily had always wondered. It wasn't really all that easy to sneak out of the Hogwarts gates and then get back in with bottles of firewhiskey without anyone noticing. She should know. Mary, Marlene and Lily had snuck into Hogsmeade after their final exams got over their sixth year. Sneaking out had been easy. Sneaking back in while slightly inebriated, not so much. Thankfully it had just been Hagrid who'd caught them. He'd even given them some potion to sober them up before distracting Filch so they could get back to their dormitories unnoticed. Now every time Hagrid needed a favor he'd come to them. Not that the three of them minded because Hagrid's favors were always interesting to say the least. There was a time when Lily had been asked to look into Hungarian Horntails and their dietary needs.

"A magician never reveals his secrets." James said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

"You can't use my own words against me." she replied indignantly.

"Fair enough." he said and he stopped walking, leaning closer to her as though he was about to tell her a secret. Lily leaned forward too. "I'm just that amazing." James whispered and Lily cracked up. She tripped over a root and almost fell over and it just made her laugh harder. He caught her around the waist, steadying her. She felt his slightly bony frame shaking with laughter. James had the most unique sense of humor, a mix of self-deprecating and cocky that shouldn't have worked but fully worked for him. Lily leaned against a tree, trying to get her breath back. Which wasn't easy with James's hands lingering at her waist. She looked up at James and he was still smirking and he still had that 'I'm up to no good but you still can't help trusting me' spark which was unique to him. She raised the bottle to her lips and took a sip as an excuse to break eye contact. "I'm tough." she said, completely out of the blue. "I don't need anyone. I can handle it all, whatever you throw at me. Right James?"

She didn't know if that was a genuine question or of it was rhetorical. But she waited. James took the bottle from her hand and inclined his head, "Absolutely you are, Evans."

"I don't even want people around me most of the time." she slipped her hand through his free hand. "But sometimes, I just really want someone beside me. Am I selfish?" this time it was a clear question.

The spark in James's eyes was still there but he wasn't smirking now. "You're not selfish." he said shaking his head and stepping even closer to her.

"And I'm here in the middle of the night asking for reassurance. Does that make me vain?" Lily asked.

James shook his head. "No." he whispered.

"And graduating from Hogwarts and going out into the wizarding world scares me because there are no rules and guidelines out there and with the war and with Voldemort and his Death Eaters gaining support, I'm terrified. Am I a coward?" Once Lily had started talking about what was bothering, it was difficult to stop. So many questions and fears had been chasing each other in her brain and they finally had an outlet.

James shook his head again. "You're smart." he said. "And you're tough and strong and brave." Lily smiled gratefully. James Potter: charmer extraordinaire.

"And you're like a boy from right out of one of my books. " she said sighing. James Potter: unattainable dream boy.

"That's a good thing right?" his brow crinkled and his eyes scrunched. Lily nodded. "Good." he took another sip from the bottle. "I think it's almost over. You want to finish it?" he asked, handing the bottle over. She shook her head, realizing that it wasn't alcohol that was allaying her fears right now, it was James.

"What are your plans for after Hogwarts." she asked James apprehensively. Lily had avoided this question all year. She knew his plans wouldn't include her and her plans wouldn't include him and that thought just hurt so bad that she'd decided to avoid it altogether. But now she wanted to know if he would still be close at least.

"I wanted to play Quidditch professionally." James explained.

"Wanted?"

"But there's a war. I can't play Quidditch when there's a war. So I'm going to fight." as simple as that. James Potter was a Gryffindor through and through mused Lily. "What about you?" he asked.

"I always wanted to work with animals. With unicorns and dragons and bowtruckles and just, animals." Lily said. "But I'm a muggleborn. This war is about trying to eliminate people of my birth so I'm going to fight back." she said.

James grinned widely. Lily couldn't help but be transfixed by that grin. "See you out on the battlefield, Evans." He couldn't have chosen more perfect words.

"What'd you want to show me?" she was looking down because James's grin was too cute for anybody's health. He tugged at her hand and they started walking again.

"Remember that time last year when I saw you near Hagrid's hut." he asked her. Lily nodded. She'd just wanted to be alone and the castle was just too full of people so she'd come out to the grounds. She'd gone to Hagrid's but he wasn't in so she'd just kept walking, past his hut and past the pumpkin patch, till she'd reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest. There was a great oak tree and she'd gone around it and sat down, leaning against it. No one would find her there. She'd put her head on her folded knees and she'd started humming a Beatles song, trying to feel better. James had found her there and hustled her back to the castle in a great hurry. She'd found out why he was so worried about her being out after dark a couple of weeks later. It had been the full moon.

"I remember." she told him.

"So I always go to this place to feel better and I wanted to show you." he said simply.

After a few more minutes of walking and weaving through trees and bushes, Lily felt rock beneath her feet. The tree line broke and she saw in front of her a dried up riverbed. You could see the path the water had carved through the rocks but now, instead of water, the gorge was filled with twigs and fallen leaves. James tugged on her hand and she realized she'd stopped walking. James went ahead and clambered over a large boulder. Lily followed. This climbing business wasn't very easy, given what she as wearing, but she managed without any help.

"Why does this calm you down?" Lily was confused. On the other hand, crouching down at the edge of the Forbidden Forest and singing Hey Jude probably didn't make very much sense to him either.

"It's the legacy of a river that existed for centuries." he explained. "I like it." he said a little defensively.

Lily stood silently beside him, looking at the legacy of the centuries old river. "So what now?" she asked.

"Now you calm down and go tell Sirius he's playing his music way too loud and you cannot take it anymore." he replied immediately.

"What?" Lily didn't know whether to laugh or not.

"That's usually why I come here. When Sirius is being loud and obnoxious." he explained.

"I thought that was your job."

"Oh no. My job is being smart and good looking."

"That's the job of the Prewett twins." she said. James sighed but smiled nonetheless.

"I have triumphantly usurped their position."

Lily laughed. "Okay, you win this one." James turned away from her with a huge grin. "I meant what now in my sad, sad life." she said, returning to what had been plaguing her mind.

He shrugged philosophically. "Take a sad song and make it better."

Lily's jaw dropped. "Did you just quote the Beatles at me?"

"That's the song you were singing that day wasn't it?"

"You remembered?" she whispered.

James scratched the back of his neck, slightly embarrassed. "It was so horribly off-key, I couldn't ever forget it." he said, trying to make light of the situation.

But Lily didn't laugh. He had been in a great hurry that day. In a matter of minutes, one of his best mates would be transforming into a werewolf and here he was, trying to calm her down and take her back to the castle and out of harm's way. Not just that. Lily learned today that he had actually paid attention to her wild ramblings as he had almost frog marched her back to the castle.

She turned to face James and pulled him into a tight hug. He was a little on the scrawny side and Lily could feel his shoulder blades and he was so tall that her head rested right next to his heart. Never had she felt more hopeful.

James returned the hug almost instinctively, putting his arms around her and pulling her tighter to him. Lily was surrounded by James, his eyes, hair, smell and feel. She had never felt more loved.

She would fight in this war with her amazing friends and her amazing James and things would turn out alright. She'd see the world and fly on an airplane and listen to the new Beatles album. She'd work with dragons and unicorns and bowtruckles. She'd sit in her armchair at the age of sixty, knitting scarves for her grandkids and listening to James tell her stories of his crazy adventures.

Listening to the thundering of James's reassuring heartbeat, she'd never felt more alive.


End file.
